Sempiternal hope.

The rope in a frozen hand.
I'm not this person anymore.
It's over now.
This is something i have overcome.
I'm staring at the broken mirror.
Theres nothing left here anymore.
Im cold, im insane.
Iv'e been waiting here for so long.
When i loose myself i think of you.
You made me feel alive.
Now looking into you're eyes, i have never felt so dead.
Numb, still, alone, vanished.
I'm gone.
I finally let go.
The chair is below me.
The razor, laying next to me.
The empty cans surrounding me.
The bare bottles, lone.
It's done.
Dark as the light, I'm blinded by the sight, slam the door.
I long for more and more.
But no more is to be taken in.
I'm done now.
Gone now.
Falling from the air now.
Floating now.
Free now.
keep me happy.

It's hard.

Biting my nails until they bleed.

Scratching my wrists until their numb.

Pulling out my eye lashes until nothing is there.

Shaking my legs until it seems my whole body and everything around it is shaking as well.

It's hard taking in a breath, thinking it's going to be you're last one, so frantically you pull in as much oxygen as you can, until it seems as if your panting, longing for more air.

I try to find distractions.

She handed me a paper clip to fidle with.

I bent it, broke it, took the sharp edge and drew blood.

She handed me a stress ball, i pulled it, stretched it until it was no longer a stress ball,

I do love her.

Constant battles.
Continusly struggling for mutual happiness.
Never was there a single smile that didn't come with a slowly drawn tear.
Our love for eachother was one that could never be out done by the greatest powers on our colorless earth.
But the will to hate was one more extensive than all the seas combined.
Days gone by like leaves off a tree in a crisp chapter of autumn.
Nights gone by like the cold forgetful winters in the arctic. Longer than forever.
Kisses soon turned into screams.
Stories turned into lies.
And the truth, hidden under the pages of never after.
Hope for happiness was washed away with raindrops of destiny.
The unforgettable skies of guilt never letting the mystery of the sun draw through.
But soon came the color.
And our smiles had a meaning once again.
I'm just afraid of when the next rainfall will come.
Leaving the bright sun to be a mystery.

The Discolored Utopia

She sat there confused and flustered.
She stared there trying to refoucus her temptation to be one other "perfect" being in this discolored utopia.
Only do i wish i could lend an undamaged thought.
Her ripped jeans resembeling the only heart she had held a shelid od disatisfaction over for so long.
Her thin falling show laces taking place of her eyes which had seen so much fear and hope simulaneously falling into seas of black and white.
Unfinished decisions and careless memories being paused and played and paused and played until the yellow sun drew a tear.
The waves roared with laughter, gazing at the sailormen passing by.
Not giving a care in the world, just happy to be alive.
But she's there.
Her despair glistening in the moonlight.
Who knew when dusk fell..

A new one.

Theres a new one.
A new tear to fall.
A new dream crushed.
A new half hearted scar on my wrist.
Ridgid and thoughtless.
I fell into a crimson mist.
The only way out is promised by a blade.
The smal puddle forms, surrounds me, slowly takes me in.
Is it worth it to die a little each day all for the unseen charity ?
The vast horizon fades into memories.
But then is washed out by the future.
The careless sun trades for a moon.
The sinister smiles become slits of fait.
Life goes on slowly.
And i wait for red relief to guide me back to a new one.

White Labels

The familiar cool tiled floor beneath her feet gave her comfort.
The yellow walls made her smile.
The mirror she looked in, only created happiness, because of what was behind it.
Slowly she opened the hope behind the glass.
Her eyes begin to widen as she looked into what she knew would bring her higher.
The orange bottles.
White labels.
ancient scriptures, coding for "medicine"
She knew them as letters, standing for desire.
The fantasy of being happier was no longer just a fantasy.
When that white cap, un screwed the white tablets falling into her palms.
The lust for her own utopia, so different from before.
That mirror got the best of her.
No longer were her confessions made.
No longer was she tired of starting again.
Becuase she was already done.

It's never enough.

Burry me.
Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig.
Deeper. Deeper.
Push your weak bones to all that you will never do.
Re-feed your tired mind the lies that got you here.
Keep digging, this is not nearly enough.
Each hole gets bigger than the last.
Each scar is more noticable than the first.
More blood this time.
More tears last time.
Im numb now.
Slice. Slice. Slit. Slit. Scrape. Scrape.

Silence.
Im blind now.
Blinded from all i could never see.
Im usless now.
Usless to all that i could never do.
Lies, creating hopes, hopes creating dreams.
And dreams...
being crushed by what was always there. . .

Reality.
But is there really such a thing?
Or are we stuck.
Stuck in the simultaneously spinning figments, only fooling us into another restless sleep each night.
But no night.
Just another dark scene in my play.

Im the main character, haven't you heard?
I live throught those around me.
And when thats not enough to fill my hungry soul...
I rely on what i know will always be there.

My faithful metal friend.
My everlasting silver acquaintance.
Kiss my skin one more time.
Create the firey lust of attraction.
Between object and object.
Human and item.

It's not enough.