When You Feel It, But She Doesn't

I suppose the worst part is knowing
When you know, everything else drops into the mass below you
And the knowledge itself eats away at you

Settings you both were placed in play over and over again among the blank wall before
These settings where the both of you were together and she smiled because you made her and when you both laugh at the same thing just because
These settings where you both were wrapped beneath the blanket of lust, where you gave yourself to her and she gave herself to you, because she felt comfortable
Because she just wanted to
These settings where you drove in your car with her in the front seat and you sang along with the verses swimming out of the speakers and into your ears
Prying deep enough inside of you, so you over analyze the words and pretend the song was written for to two of you

These settings haunt you when she says good bye
When you don't see her
When you lay in bed beneath the sheets which you shared
When you glance at the strip of snapshots above your lounge chair, and you sit below them and wonder if she's thought about you today
When the plans you once constructed together never happen
When you feel it
But she doesn't

You know these settings
You know she said 'I love you'
You said it back
And you know that she's with her
And not you
But that's okay
You'll be okay

Goin' to College

In this very moment we are younger than we will ever be again
We are treated like the old
No one can tell because our feet walk softly and our hands are cautious
And my pastel cheeks are being kissed by members of our time
Your held up by the wooden cane which you carved for grandpa when you were seven
Ten years later

And we're saying good bye to everyone

Cola

You are a crushed can of cola
With hard edges
Points that could scrape my freckled back
the way mother does after another failed attempt
To fall in love
You are a crushed can of cola
Pointy and edged and empty

Silent Mirage

Your life has become a silent mirage of family photographs
And while walking through the luminescent streets hand in hand with your mistakes, you have just come to the realization that those hips you've held with your hands,
that the shoulders that stood so close to yours,
that the eyes which closed at each flash of the Nikon, had completely fooled you with their ability to please
Never had they existed at that broadway play in the city
Six seats, half a row
Never did your brothers eyes actually follow yours as you opened your christmas presents on the frost bitten December morning
Your mothers hand never sat on your forehead when you had the flue
Daddy never said 'I love you'
Your life is a silent mirage of your lovers family photographs

The Strand

 Jump and jump and fucking hurl yourself beyond every line that was ever drawn before your feet
And if you find yourself too far away from the orange cones that were placed in a circle with you in the Middle
Then walk back towards the center of the sun and call out for every saint that had ever held your hand and
If you can no longer hear them whisper through every thread of hair that flows from the tired scalp you call your own,
Then you will no longer be a part of the strand
The strand that is so carefully woven through the straw bails of every cattle lawn
That is bitten
And chewed
And pulled apart through every kiss ever given by any member of the human race
No slow motion bull shit played back between flashes of your bathroom light
None of that sweet and syrupy mass will be wiped on this plate
Set on the table woven by the strand

Wine and Time

She prayed for three hundred clouds
And God gave her seventeen instead
She wanted to go to sleep,
But couldn't go to bed
Her coffee she spiked with bourbon to get rid of last night's thrill
She asked her boss for a longer break, to drag in as much as she could
And her little lungs screamed bloody murder, and they focused on the good

She went home and kissed her husband, and asked how was his day
He replied with quite some certainty he was destined to be miles away
So he packed his bags and left her there, and she poured her glass of wine
Called her corporate boss up, and asked if he had the time

They spent hours upon hours just layin' there in bed
He asked her a few questions
She could not answer, she only cried instead.
Between her blubbering mess of sweat and tears, she asked him why
He replied with quite certainty, because I had the time

So from that day forward she went to work
And her husband was her boss
They went to lunch together,
They shared quite lovely talks
And if someone asked them, oh how did you meet ?
They'd stare down below them and couldn't seem to speak

But in both their heads they knew a happy thought
That miles never mattered, it was forgiveness that had been taught
So she smiled back and replied to them, he seemed to have the time
He looked at her, and blushed with them while he said, I wanted wine.

The two walked away silently, hand in hand they were
And after that day people questioned the common stir
But no one ever wondered what life was like for the two
They all knew they were happy, because they fell out of the slue
And now in pairs, we all stand around
Staring at each other without making a sound
And if someone asks for some wine, they all will gladly say
Here good friend is a glass for you, i'm glad you have the time.

//\\

i wish you would say

                                                  please

because the indecency 

of this scene is over bearing  

and i wish you understood 

but you 

                                                  don't

and that's okay because beyond 

every point lies another

and between these points is a

connection that will never         

                                          
                                                  leave 

and i will not forget the wind 

that took my spine 

and every bit of who i was

and said don't forget 

                                                   me. 

Stranded

Our souls and our hearts are all docked at different harbors,
But set out into the same sea
Letting there sails up
For the wind to guide them
Between storms and rays of heat that burn will them
Until their sweltering surfaces melt at the core
And until they become swollen masses that form into one

And the concept of a soul and a heart will become a single object
The sails that so furiously strung out               and held the plight have been worn and teared
And they're sinking deep into the sand beneath the sea
Where the wretched lay
Those who once had hands that pulled them in
The same hands that left them
And the souls and hearts that have become one with each other are now stranded
Lingering in between waves and laughing sailors
And they're floating in the blank palate of nothing
Stranded

lifeless float

and she'll remain in her lifeless float
because that's all she'll ever be
with hair so blue and strong
with eyes shut because even though her muscles aren't keeping them there, the pressure of the deepened altitude has glued them shut
because the opaque consistency her skin has taken wont allow light
because she is lifeless
and floating 

Reduced

                                                                                    We have been reduced to small digital pulses

Every sigh has become a series of 0s and 1s and we don't even notice anymore because our necks stretch so far that we lock our jaws in the ether

And we loose ourselves in the hums of fingers typing

We filter the good and the bad with the ability to juxtapose our lives to one another 

We're adapting to a non existent reality and we don't even care because every time we feel ill, 

We flush ourselves with better things

To cure us of our indifferences 

And when we are told to try again 

We give up on ourselves 

And stretch our necks to search for the strength to continue 

Grace

We will live in these bodies 

And we will die in these bodies

And I will ask you to bare your grace with the flower in your hair

We were made to find our other half 

But what they never told us was that other half is inside of us 

And in fact never existed as a tangible walker

And I will ask you to refresh my cold, cold mind 

Remind me of my name, because I have not found my other half 

And I will be told that I can be whoever I want once I find my grace

This land will be given all it can to heal 

And it will flourish with the thought of a home sitting upon it

And it will cry once it learns we are dying in these bodies

Only half of us lives

With a spine so fragile 

And grace in our hair 

 

It feels like you can't see me

Was

I loved to lay in bed and count how many stars I thought were my own
I was much less understanding back then
I was waking up early to put the blood back in me
I was not a patient person
My body was lighting up the sky and there was no way to avoid it
And people who were coming out of diners would notice me
And train drivers would stop on the tracks because they saw me
And the children that pointed at me were happy because that was all they needed to feel complete
I would put my flesh back into the grass again
I finally belonged and I began and
I was there and I never got old

Wonder

I wonder if one day I will have a house
With a front door and rooms to sleep in
With a fence I could jump over
With a back yard to fill the gaps

I wonder if one day I will be a mother
With a child who looks up to every light
And sees the whole universe instead of glowing glass
With a little boy or girl who likes to ask me questions
And thinks of home when they smell the sea

I wonder if one day I will be sick
And brought to those who know me more than I do
I wonder if I will be lying there with my baby safe at home
And if my wedding dress will be still be in the closet
Inside the house we built for us and our little one
I wonder if I will be kissed every night
And held
All because someone loves me that much